Late Night Soliloquy

“Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger

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Have you ever loved someone so much that you hate yourself for not being able to bring yourself to committing to the idea of truly hating them for all the hurt they caused you?


Waking up in cold sweats and tears because your psyche is releasing the emotions your awareness cannot fully bear?
Why is it that the person who did less harm in a failed relationship has to suffer the burden of the other’s faults?
I have conversations with my closest friends and each one of us has a pain point that was gifted by a person we loved selflessly and wholeheartedly but yet, they managed to find a way to break us.
We seek advice in blogs, movies, songs and each other but still, like me, I assume some of their hardest moments are when another man approaches – offering the same golden promises that the last one lied he could deliver.
Somehow, their lies become our insecurities.
My poor best friend literally sends me love notes providing me with play by play reminders why I’m not broken.
Seroiusly?
I don’t pretend to be this confident and successful woman; I’m also not pretending when I can’t understand how anybody can see me as anything but a sad failure.
Wouldn’t it make sense that the reason I keep going through the same trial is because it’s me that needs some tweaking or major adjustments

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A false notion,from observing the happier pairings, that if I could learn to accept a complacent type of love –
at that point – I too could post cute #MCM posts from my camera roll of images taken from a burst reel in a cumbersome attempt to convince the world and I that our love…
is goals.
Do all races of women go through these struggles?
Or is this curse bestowed on the bossom of the black women because somehow we are unbreakable?
Wait… Unbreakable?
Even in building us up, we are described in a manner that either has too negative (angry black) or too positive (queen).
I can’t tell you how often I have seen the meme, “Queens hold their head up high so their crowns don’t fall!”
So now my vulnerability is a weakness?
Is this why after my 3 year relationship, I was so numb, the only palce I confronted my anguish was in my dreams because in reality – I was too #boss to weep.
How often do we stay in situations we never should have entered because we are conditioned to endure everything?
Don’t get me wrong – I absolutely see the strength and power we possess, but is our black girl magic wrapped in the ability to withstand a great deal of trials and tribulations – while also embracing the tears, losses and heartbreaks that always seem to appear mid ‘almost had my life together’ moments?
Relationships don’t define us but they absolutely play a roll in who we become.
The souls we carelessly tie ourselves to become our burdens.
Every person we love changes us, and each heartbreak scars us.
Scar tissue is thick and even with years and years of the coconut oil treatment… some scars never disappear.
So today, I declare…I’m ready.
Ready to not be afraid to let go of the things I have held onto that I thought defined me.
I’m ready to be free of the need to hate because love is my greatest gift and I don’t want to lose my ability to give it.
I’m ready to seek out the softer parts of me and allow them to share the spotlight with the louder, more confidently stubborn, elements that make I….I.

Self-Love: The Real MVP

“Love yourself first and everything else falls in line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world. ” – Lucille Ball

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