I say this so often in jest, that I forget how factual and important this statement is.
One of the hardest things about becoming aware of oneself…Is becoming aware of oneself. My sister and I talk often about how hard it is stepping away from blaming other people for ¨causing¨ our failures, and taking the leap of strength by facing the inner demons that trap us in the stagnant realities of self affliction. Often failed relationships, friendships or overall achievements are a direct reflection of the troubles brewing somewhere deep within that we manifest through self-talk and actions. Do you understand that the words you say out loud are instructions that you give to the universe and the conversations you have with yourself are silent prayers? How then can you expect all the blessings and joy when all you feed your spirit, soul and mind are ambiguous doubts and worry?
As I step into my ´own-hood´, I am finding that my strength has never been in avoiding the issues that cripple me into a state of detachment. Looking back, my strongest moments have been in the moments I let go of all expectations and fully embraced the feelings of happiness or sadness at the moment that that emotion was felt. To be so present in myself that I did not need a brief to portray the compromised feeling between what I actually felt, and how I felt I was expected to feel. Layers forming of constant denial of my truest form and adapting to the expected inferences of me. Letting go of these layers that have crystallized over wounds, I realize that those instances do not define me, they do not make me – they are memories of situations that I reacted to. I´m slowly learning that blocking situations or memories from your memory never makes them go away. How often do you find yourself suddenly struck by an inexplicable feeling that something harmless triggers deep within. What do you bury inside you that subconsciously affects what kind of partner, child, sibling or friend you are and you have no real idea why?
I am a very strong woman, but I have let myself believe that strength has to come in the form of my natural independence. I struggle asking for help. I struggle showing that I´m vulnerable. I struggle with any emotion that renders me being dependent on another soul that could potentially cause me more pain or disappointment. I have always been a proponent of women´s rights, but in a way I have found comfort in being a recluse. I have very few people that I consider friends, and the older I get, I am finally finding the beauty in quality over quantity. I am certain many of my female friends can relate to growing up and having more male friends than females due to that inexplicable competitiveness that begrudgingly seems to only affect us females. However, something happened to me when I turned 30. I am drunk off of the sweetness of synchronicity. I have the coolest female friends on this planet and I want nothing more than to be inspired and drenched in the beauty of their many talents.
Embracing the power of womanhood and allowing the right people around has me searching deep within for my reason why. I don´t mean surfing on Pinterest and finding motivational quotes, but rather feeding my soul with all things positive and purposeful. My truest friends bring out the better parts of me and challenge the aspects that need more work and encouragement. I can not know my strengths without knowing who I am. I cannot appreciate who I am without embracing the things I have been through. I cannot go through some of the things I have been blessed to get through and think that I do not have a responsibility to share my story and save other young girls from the possible heartache that I have experienced.
If nothing else my friends:
Know your strengths and use them to guide you to unlock the truest form of your happiness which only you can define!