July has been my saving grace.
My 3 current favorite shows are all back and in full rotation; ¨Game of Thrones¨, ¨Power¨ and ¨Insecure¨. Each holds a special place in my heart for different reasons, but the one sitting on my writing heart today is ¨Insecure¨. If you don´t watch this show… Get your life, stop being mediocre and jump on this well oiled bandwagon of realness. I feel like the people that don´t watch ¨Insecure¨ are probably all android users who stay on the dark side to prove a point; A bad one….but still, a point.
I´ve been, Issa, Molly, Kelly, even Lawrence at some stage of my dating life, and as I watch the show´s second season; the evolution of me is being acted out painfully before my eyes. I´ve been in that place, post break-up, where I would´ve done ANYTHING to hear from an ex. I needed to know that he was hurting the way I was, or that in every potential person he met, she still couldn´t fill the void in his heart that I had left. Reality though is that half these exes are stubborn AF.
During my last break up; he was as silent as a church ghost. He doesn´t drink so of course that threw out the possibility of a random drunken text; he´s as stubborn as a mule so the fact that he still had my key and access to my life didn´t matter because he wouldn´t knock or randomly show up in an act of final declaration yelling ´You are the love of my life and hot diggity you are gonna take me back right now´.
The only way I was close to that kind of reality was watching ¨Love and Basketball¨ while listening to Jidenna sing his heart out in ¨Bambi¨.
I don´t know about you but when I´m going through…stuff, I do everything in excess. I sleep more, I read more, I feel NOTHING & EVERYTHING more… basically in a nutshell; I AM EXTRA in all my ¨togetherness¨. So you can imagine the intense jabs of pain, during a break up, that I manifested into whole problems while scrolling through my timelines, and seeing posts of those overly happy newly engaged couples. Or the memes that all pretty much say that if he loved you he would do any and everything in his power to get you back. All these unsubstantiated claims being bombarded into my psyche while everything in my real life didn´t come close to being that. We live in a time where fears of being alone are covered up by displays of social media approved posts ridden with hashtags such as #relationshipgoals or #MCM. The world where we subconsciously try make our partners into the slew of assembled posts of different people with specific traits that we admire; We are what I would like to call ¨The Create a Mate¨ generation.
We see the finer parts of people´s relationships and quickly forget that for each one of those special moments probably came a whole build up of authentic let downs and confused arguments that led to uncomfortable exchanges that created unglamarous scars on the relationship. We live in a generation where giving up and walking away is glorified and seen as a sign of strength, quickly forgetting that every union is a culmination of two individuals working together to navigate through their individual ¨I´s and Me´s¨ to create one healthy ´us´. However, because we don´t get backstage access to these perfect couples real life unrehearsed disagreements – we have expectations that make our own unpleasant interactions with our significant others seem larger than life and often easier to walk away from.
So while watching ¨Insecure¨ last night, I realized that we create our own problems and insecurities by trying to follow an unpublished rule of how relationships should be. Society says that he should send flowers once a week at work, she should cook a 9 course meal on date night or he should post her on Wednesday (and tag her) so everybody knows that she is #bae. Goodness…..#issalot! As I watched Issa and Lawrence struggling to navigate the unfamiliar waters of their fresh break up, I had several revelations on how I want my relationship to be so I can never be that #awkward and #insecure again.
I realize that the only way I can be happy with my future forever love, is by making OUR relationship…. #relationshipgoals.
I thrive on keeping my relationship private..NOT secret but private.
Yes, I´ll appreciate the random public outpouring of love for me once in a very blue moon, but I want him to know the magnitude of my ´I love yous´ not because I tagged him in a cute post of an image that took 92 tries to make social media ready, but rather from the ¨regular¨ moments only he and I share. I want our love to be present in the moments we´re sleeping and I toss and turn – up,under AND around him but somehow he still manages to calm me (mid sleep), kiss my forehead and pull me closer for those 20secs I choose to remain still. I want our prayers to be in sync even when we are apart, so in moments when the world tells me that IF he loved me he would open up in ALL hard situations – I can respect that because he DOES love me, he needs time to find his voice first and then understand that SOMETIMES…. he just wont. I want our relationship to be the one that our kids want to emulate – not because it was perfect, but rather because it was uniquely true.
So if nothing else… I hope my words inspire you to look at your relationship in your own eyes and remove the spectacles of expectation that this ¨instant gratification¨ era we live in has provided. That you take an earnest moment to appreciate the good along with the uniquely uglies of your unions and work on manifesting a more positive and happier reality. Let´s not be Issa and Lawrence, walking around trying to fit our feelings into this conventional bag of madness…. Instead let´s be messy, bold, brave and true in matters involving our hearts.