¨Sorry¨ – Issa Tired Black Woman

Black woman tired of apologizing

Firstly, let´s just address the fact that there is a difference between ¨being sorry¨ and apologizing.

Being sorry is when you are in a pathetic state or condition and apologizing is the act of expressing regret for something you have done wrong to another person. I believe no one should ever ¨be sorry¨ but we should all be accountable for our actions and be apologetic when the situation calls for it. 
That being said, there are some things that as black women we need to stop apologizing for and definitely can seize ¨being sorry¨ over. I get it, Eve ate the apple but for goodness sake, punish me once but not over and over for the same sin. As women of color women, we find ourselves facing workplace discrimination (blatant or discreet), we are seen as inferior when it comes to sports and don´t get me started on the inconsistencies when it comes to dating/relationships and how often we hear our own black men bashing their own queens and giving ill-thought out reasons why they would NEVER date a black woman.  I have no problem with a man who prefers women of a different race, because we all have ¨types¨. However,  as a black man, if you can not prefer being with other races while still fully supporting and appreciating the undeniable sovereign beauty and power of a black woman, you are no King to me.

Walking away from needing to apologize for being a strong black woman
Now that´s off my chest, there are certain things that as black women, we simply need to stop apologizing for.

1. Saying NO!

Often we become submissive because we fear being seen as harsh or abrasive, but actually, there is a quiet strength that comes from uttering a well delivered, classy no. 
Example: Hey Tenda, would you like to come over my place and watch Netflix?
Non-classy abrasive response: Hell NAAAHHH, do I look like the type of girl who is only worthy of Netflix and chilling? 
Classy response: Oh shux, I have a netflix account too and I have pretty much binge watched all the shows I need to right now but you have yourself a great night.
(Ok that was super extra and I had to think really hard for the second response but you get my point).
Listen to your intuition in every instance and don´t find yourself in relationship, work or business where your fear of being judged a certain way forces you to make moves you are not comfortable with.

2. Being Confident

Allow me to quote Lil’ Wayne real quick… ¨Confidence is a stain I can´t wipe off¨. I personally think that a confident black woman is a force to be reckoned with. I´m not talking about the women that have false confidence that translates to everybody else as ignorance but rather the women who have no time for negativity because her only concern is becoming the best woman she can be and empowering others to live the same way. So if you fall in the non-ignorant confidence group, no more apologies, BE GREAT!

3. Looking like a ¨mess¨

¨Sorry, I look crazy, I haven´t had time to put my makeup on.¨
No I AM NOT sorry that you have to see me before I have put on my makeup.  The person I am with better fall in love with non-dolled up Tenda as much (if not more) as he falls in love with ¨made up¨ Tenda. I love and admire the girls that have mastered the proper art of putting on makeup. I am definately on the ¨less is more¨ side because I am just too lazy to learn all the techniques that come with contouring, blending, buffing, and the sweating that comes with being ¨beat¨. I am a walking ¨I woke up like this¨ poster child. Anyway, I digress …no… don´t apologize for not covering up your imperfections. Live them, love them and free yourself from expectations by letting yourself exist in a state where you do not need to always be perfect. 

4. Not Wanting To Have Sex

In this overly sexual world we live in where people can literally just log onto their social media and probably find someone willing to have relations with them.  As black women, we are labelled as prude, or some other name that implies that we are tight wards when we don´t want to have sex just because. Call me old fashioned, but I don´t care if we have been dating for 10/15/24 months if I am still not ready to have relations with you, it´s simply NOT going to happen.  I am NOT sorry and yes I expect you to stick around if you genuinely want to be with me. The good things are worth waiting for, right?

5. Not Being Traditional Enough

My issues may run deeper because I was raised in a traditional African home where my father was the authority, and my quietly but unmistakably submissive mother, smiled. Social expectations piggy back on these household teachings that most girls need to be the fairer sex while inadvertently teaching boys (that later grow into men), that females should behave a certain way to be considered ¨wife material¨.  
I make this statement boldly because most men want a woman that can cook, clean, take care of the house, be amazing at sex, be beautiful, have great hair and compete against the half naked and unrealistically put together women that pop up everywhere on his social media. You turn around and ask women what they want? A man that is tall, handsome, strong, can fix things, is great in bed and also likes to cuddle. As a strong liberated black women, I don´t mind cooking and cleaning and being great in bed for my future husband, but goodness, can I be great with tools, and be gifted with the ability to follow directions in order to assemble a drawer?
Yes-I can!
So Mr. Right and I are simply going to kick out these traditional expectations and he can deadlift his way around the kitchen, and bench press some Chef Roblé magic in order to surprise me with dinner, at least twice a week, while I assemble the bookshelf and tell him how hot he looks looking over the stove.

I feel that as black women, we should stop having to apologize for no longer fitting in the traditional gender roles that we were required to uphold… then times. This is now. I believe in a relationship where the man is the head and the woman his unwavering support, but show me where that belief translates to the social expectations where as a black woman, I should be a fusion of  Martha Stewart/Patti Labelle/Deelishis when you require just regular basic Jane from other races?

2 comments

  1. This applies to us brown women too. We all know how traditional my family is, and I wanted to breakaway from those tradtions. Luckily, Hiran is not the type that wants me to be a submissive wife. ( coz all hell would break lose if it was so haha) We are equals in every sense of the word and I Kian to grow up thinking the same when he meets his partner. This is the best thing about raising boys. We can change the mentality these boys ( who later grow up to be men) have about girls. We gotta break the stereotypes. Keep fighting the good fight, my friend. We can change the world ��

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