I spent the prior 29 years of my life dreaming and planning on how ¨perfect¨ my life would be at dirty 30 (when I FINALLY became an adult). My closet would be filled with countless clothes and shoes, my body would be a perfect mixture of Serena Williams and Teyana Taylor and there certainly would be the latest Audi A8 sitting in the garage of my home,(which would be situated somewhere where I would have a ¨Hills¨ in the address) and my Idris Elba/Thor look-alike husband would be VERY real and present.
PRESENT DAY??? – I am pleased to let you know, I reached 30. I am a proud mother to an amazing 6 year old little man, however, I can probably count all my clothes and shoes. My body is kind of stuck somewhere between ¨potential¨ and ¨used to have it¨, I drive a Nissan Versa and my APARTMENT ..well it offers free parking but if you come visit you will definitely need a parking pass or else you will be TOWED.
The insane part about my lumpy and disproportionate reality is that these ¨short comings¨ have allowed me to see me for me..and OH is SHE fierce. I wasted so many years feeding my fears and nurturing my insecurities so now that I have found the confidence in my thoughts and the bass in my own voice, I am finally living.. more and more fearlessly each day.
I look back to the darkest parts of my story, thus far, and snicker at the things that I yearned for then of which I believed would complete my package of delectable happiness. Those things seem so arbitrary and shallow in comparison to the blessings I possess today. I often refer to myself as a ¨recovering identity thief¨ because I spent so many years attempting to duplicate the best parts of other people (their lives, relationships, style and overall being) – I have existed as an amalgamation of celebrities, fictional characters, friends and sometimes even a really cool stranger whose spirit resonated so well with me that I envied the part of them I was drawn to.
The last couple of years I have been carrying the weight of my failures so heavily that I have been depressed, unmotivated and down right unpleasant. I was so far in the dark that there was no way I could feasibly attain real happiness or even strive for any kind of accomplishment. Apart from my offspring – NOTHING was ever enough.
I hope you are still with me because even though I have NOT (as of today) found Idris/Thor, and I am maxing at a cool and steady 80mph in my Versa (on most days) – I can tell you that this post definitely has a happy ending. Something life changing DID happen to me at 30 – my heart was broken, I experienced death over and over again, and the weight of all the losses/failures of the last couple of years just became unbearable. I hit rock bottom, and I had two options: Option 1; continue to wallow in my sadness and live out the rest of my days accepting that my current state was it, or option 2; get up, go through my feels, fix my self-love issues and claim my spot as the incomparable force that I am.
I got up.
I shook the dust off.
I picked option 2.
I read one of those pinterest inspirational memes the other day that stated, ¨life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.¨
(….I don´t feel like you stopped and did a short praise dance after that quote so I will gladly repeat myself…)
¨Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.¨
This spoke to every fiber of my existence because I frequently feel like adulting in our day and age is similar to watching the season finale of ¨Power¨ or ¨Game of Thrones¨ and knowing that you will have to wait an entire year before the show that AB-SO-LUTELY gives you life, returns. I can´t control 90% of the bad things that cause me to experience different variations of feels, however, I can chose how I handle those things and let them be lessons, and not regrets.
Equipped with this new take on life, I am slowly starting to face the piles of emotions I threw in my bag of detachments. I can say out loud and unashamed; I WAS broken. I resented MYSELF. This honest reality check has been one of the hardest things I have had to face. To discover that the strong and confident person I always viewed myself to be, I actually was not.. was terrifying. I find myself constantly analyzing parts of my life that have left me vulnerable. It is important for me to understand the the implications my decisions/reactions have had on how I chose to live in order to navigate the rest of my carnal days and choose to live with authentic purpose and definite intention.
I no longer believe in regret – everything (good and very bad) has shaped me into who I am today. I believe life to be a series of events that every soul goes through-intermingling with other souls journeying through their own series. I hope that from here on out, I can live as best as I can, intertwining my soul with like minded positive souls that add to my existence as I can in theirs.
Since you are sharing my words, my thoughts and inner most feelings.. allow me to introduce my soul to you. My name is Tatenda. I am not perfect, however because I finally accept that I am ¨fearfully and wonderfully made¨ … my purpose is unloading and until I reach my destination, please enjoy my opinions on relationships, adulting, grocery shopping, the weather, elevator music and everything in between.